Ya so treatment has been great, you go in talk to someone and than try and learn how to talk to other people the same way....
I have been talking to some people lately to help me work through some of the things in my head. I think about all the times I have been left out in the wind and and trying to figure out what I should do, no I have this and them... I dont know how much I should put on this thing, but from what I can tell no one is reading it anyways so what the hell, just write until I cant write anymore.
I have been talking about thing that piss me off, I talk about how I want to do more in my life, how I want to have more control over the out come of things, how I want to be able to help everyone. I feels great to do things like this. Sometimes its like no one around you understands but they want to, they want to help but they just dont know how to or what to say to make you feel any better.
But I have them and you, I can ramble if I want to, I dont so I wont... but I will talk to you later. Thanks everyone.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
The Road less traveled
Today I started a long road, one that many of us never travel on. I feel that I have lost a little bit of myself over that last few yrs and today I stood to take that back.
We as humans have trouble talking about ourselves sometimes, trouble deciding what it is that is bothering us. So today I went to my first day of Anger Management training, I foresee this having a great impact on how I deal with everyday problems that just seem to get under my skin.
I think I have always had a problem with dealing with my anger, you know I'm like most I hold it in until I cant hold it any longer. I am not the explosive type, I am more of a self destructive type. I let it build up to the point where I want to hurt to feel alive but I let it effect what I do in life. I let it tell me to drink to spend money to feel better to detach myself from others to shut myself off from the world. I am a writer and a musician and its the painful cycle of good music coming out when it hurts the most. I dont know, I like this blogging thing it lets me talk about myself and if someone reads it than cool if not I still get to tell someone (the internet) but its working for me.
So I just wanted to hit on the fact that I feel good, I feel like mental health is coming and I feel that I will be a better person in the end.
We as humans have trouble talking about ourselves sometimes, trouble deciding what it is that is bothering us. So today I went to my first day of Anger Management training, I foresee this having a great impact on how I deal with everyday problems that just seem to get under my skin.
I think I have always had a problem with dealing with my anger, you know I'm like most I hold it in until I cant hold it any longer. I am not the explosive type, I am more of a self destructive type. I let it build up to the point where I want to hurt to feel alive but I let it effect what I do in life. I let it tell me to drink to spend money to feel better to detach myself from others to shut myself off from the world. I am a writer and a musician and its the painful cycle of good music coming out when it hurts the most. I dont know, I like this blogging thing it lets me talk about myself and if someone reads it than cool if not I still get to tell someone (the internet) but its working for me.
So I just wanted to hit on the fact that I feel good, I feel like mental health is coming and I feel that I will be a better person in the end.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
With this, what is there to do
So with everything that is going on in my life I seem to be creating new problems, don't we all sometimes. I could lay down and say goodnight and forget about it all but I have dreams, I have things that I want to do in life still.
OK here it goes. I have made my mistakes, I have hurt people that I care about and that care about me, I have done things that only I know about but I want to change and I want to be a better person so where does that start.
I went out and got me a person to talk to, non byist. She talks to me and lets me get it off my chest and I don't have to worry if she judges me, hell even if she does she can go to hell because I really don't care about her at all. It is nice though, there are things in my head I'm not sure I want to let out but I have to, its time to change, its time to feel better to get better to enjoy life again.
I think about everywhere I have been in my life, the things that Ive done, the people I have meet, the places Ive seen. Wow what great ride Ive been having. Lets see places...
Germany, France, Spain, Italy, Chez, Grease, Macedonia, Kosovo, Jordan, Iraq, Kuwait, Holland, Serbia, Austria, Bulgaria... they have been so great some I wanted to go to some I didn't but had to, hell its was fine with me.
I have met people that go to a party in nothing but a speed-o and their body painted, people that drink alcohol out of a supper soak er, people that have never driven cars, people that that have nothing at all, and people that have everything you could dream of. Ive met the rich and drank tea with the poor, I once had a chance to go to a school in a 3rd world country that the kids where so happy to see us that one of the little girls started to cry, though my translator I found out that she was saved from a building that had been bombed by a Serbian force, she was trapped and her whole family was killed. She loved us, she stayed right by my side the whole day we where there. The schools teachers sat us down after we gave out school supplies to the kids and we had tea with them. I could go on and on about this deployment, in fact I will.
I have to go now though, I will be blogging about this again. I hope that anyone who reads this will see how much joy a Soldier can get out of a deployment, and how much mental issue we develop from these deployments.
See you again soon.
OK here it goes. I have made my mistakes, I have hurt people that I care about and that care about me, I have done things that only I know about but I want to change and I want to be a better person so where does that start.
I went out and got me a person to talk to, non byist. She talks to me and lets me get it off my chest and I don't have to worry if she judges me, hell even if she does she can go to hell because I really don't care about her at all. It is nice though, there are things in my head I'm not sure I want to let out but I have to, its time to change, its time to feel better to get better to enjoy life again.
I think about everywhere I have been in my life, the things that Ive done, the people I have meet, the places Ive seen. Wow what great ride Ive been having. Lets see places...
Germany, France, Spain, Italy, Chez, Grease, Macedonia, Kosovo, Jordan, Iraq, Kuwait, Holland, Serbia, Austria, Bulgaria... they have been so great some I wanted to go to some I didn't but had to, hell its was fine with me.
I have met people that go to a party in nothing but a speed-o and their body painted, people that drink alcohol out of a supper soak er, people that have never driven cars, people that that have nothing at all, and people that have everything you could dream of. Ive met the rich and drank tea with the poor, I once had a chance to go to a school in a 3rd world country that the kids where so happy to see us that one of the little girls started to cry, though my translator I found out that she was saved from a building that had been bombed by a Serbian force, she was trapped and her whole family was killed. She loved us, she stayed right by my side the whole day we where there. The schools teachers sat us down after we gave out school supplies to the kids and we had tea with them. I could go on and on about this deployment, in fact I will.
I have to go now though, I will be blogging about this again. I hope that anyone who reads this will see how much joy a Soldier can get out of a deployment, and how much mental issue we develop from these deployments.
See you again soon.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Time
Wow, where does it all go.
I thought that I would use this as a place to get out there and voice what I have to say, but am I just wasting my time. Why is it that we always seem to want to be noticed, I mean we spend so much time just trying to do what we think people would want us to do or what we think would make peopel enjoy us more. Why do we do these kinds of things to ourselves, is it really that important?
I thought that I would use this as a place to get out there and voice what I have to say, but am I just wasting my time. Why is it that we always seem to want to be noticed, I mean we spend so much time just trying to do what we think people would want us to do or what we think would make peopel enjoy us more. Why do we do these kinds of things to ourselves, is it really that important?
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Where to go from here
What do you do when everything seems to be so overwhelming I mean there's only one thing that anyone can do, but that's not my style. So we get what we have here, a problem that has been magnified by other problems and other problems seem worse because of all the problems.
I don't know, sometimes we need to reflect about who we are and who we want to be. When does the reflection start to be? When does all the bullshit crumble away and we get to start again just being?
So I looked and what did I see, I saw a man who wanted something more, who wanted to make everyone happy, who wanted to be loved but didn't know how to love himself let alone someone else. With some time I hope I can be the man I once was, the man that I was proud of all the time, not just some of the time. We all hide ourselves so well from each other, making sure we don't get hurt or that we don't hurt anyone else but pain is a part of life and we have to feel it to know about the good things right. Anyways I think I will be ok, like a smoldering fire, from the ash grows a strong and proud tree.
I don't know, sometimes we need to reflect about who we are and who we want to be. When does the reflection start to be? When does all the bullshit crumble away and we get to start again just being?
So I looked and what did I see, I saw a man who wanted something more, who wanted to make everyone happy, who wanted to be loved but didn't know how to love himself let alone someone else. With some time I hope I can be the man I once was, the man that I was proud of all the time, not just some of the time. We all hide ourselves so well from each other, making sure we don't get hurt or that we don't hurt anyone else but pain is a part of life and we have to feel it to know about the good things right. Anyways I think I will be ok, like a smoldering fire, from the ash grows a strong and proud tree.
A Night Out
So in the mist of everything I have done wrong I almost made things worse. I was asked the most dreaded question of all, how many, where, when. Things that one deserves to know but the out come can become so tragic for everyone involved. So as the conversation started so it ended, with the truth of not knowing is sometimes better than knowing.
But as the story goes we walked into a bar to see an old friend of mine, I was almost fearful that she wouldn't like her, hell shes kinda hard to get along with sometimes, I hated, OK hates kinda harsh, I disliked her in high school. She was my editor and she was so mean to me sometimes. So we walked in and they hit it off, making fun of me and my mistakes, my corks just enjoying themselves at my expense. I didn't really mind its funny sometimes the way other people see you as long as in the end they still see who you really are, a person of compaction, trust, love, a person that they can lean on and enjoy their company just as I enjoy theirs.
Last night was a good night, went out, had a few drinks, talked, laughed... other than work life seems to be on the up and up.
But as the story goes we walked into a bar to see an old friend of mine, I was almost fearful that she wouldn't like her, hell shes kinda hard to get along with sometimes, I hated, OK hates kinda harsh, I disliked her in high school. She was my editor and she was so mean to me sometimes. So we walked in and they hit it off, making fun of me and my mistakes, my corks just enjoying themselves at my expense. I didn't really mind its funny sometimes the way other people see you as long as in the end they still see who you really are, a person of compaction, trust, love, a person that they can lean on and enjoy their company just as I enjoy theirs.
Last night was a good night, went out, had a few drinks, talked, laughed... other than work life seems to be on the up and up.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Today in the wonderful world of Law
So I got a call from my lawyer today, I don't know if I hate him or if I hate the system.
Back story.
On the sunny afternoon of July 30th 2008 I was ridding my older brothers motorcycle when a 1999 Dodge Dakota decided that stop signs didn't apply to him. I was struck by the truck sending my body and 850 lbs of steel soring though the air. When I came to rest on the pavement beside my bike and behind the truck a man jumped out and said "oh I'm so sorry I didn't see you, are you OK" the things I wanted to say, the things I wanted to do to him, but I with held. I told him to shut up can call the police. I lay ed there for a sec or two trying to find my bearings when a few by standers started to come over and help me and my bike back upright. I could feel the pain swelling in my back, arm, head, and groan. I could see the small amount of blood smeared on my uniform from my arm. I felt as if someone kicked me in the nuts 1,000 times and than a 1,000 more. I stood up and all I could think is that my brother is going to kick my ass for wrecking his bike... lol... Than the pain really set in, I could walk but it hurt, I could see and hear and talk but everything took so much effort. When the cops came and so did the medics they strapped me in and took me to the ER, when I got there they gave me some of the most amazing meds I have ever had. They made the pain go away for at least the time.
Anyways I could go into every detail but Ill save that for the lawyer. So I went to the doctors about 5 or 6 times complaining about different pains that I was having because of the accident and they gave me pills sent me to physical therapy and all that but I guess I did it wrong, I used Army Doctors not civilian ones (in the army I don't pay of my medical cost so why would I go anywhere else). The doctors gave me meds to help me sleep to help with pain to make my penis work again, they told me that I would never be able to do some of the things that I had planed because of the accident. So I got a lawyer and told them my story.
They talked about how sad they where and how they felt I had a real case. So I got my hopes up, told my mom dont worry about things I will buy you a new ones... ya that doesnt seem to be happening, all I ask for is reasonable compenation for my injuries thats not too much to ask for. Well the innsurance company called and they will only offer $3,000.00. After the lawyer fees that leaves me with about 1700, thats bull! I cant fly anymore because of this guy, I cant go outside with out sunglasses on anymore because of him, I cant have sex like I use to because of him, I cant do my job with out being in pain because of him! ALL BECAUSE OF HIM! and the lawyer said its because my medical bills are so low, all I am asking for is reasonable compansation, I bet the guy that hit me, his truck is fixed and his life is the same as it was before, me not at all!
So like I said I dont know if I hate lawyers or if I hate the innsurance company!
Back story.
On the sunny afternoon of July 30th 2008 I was ridding my older brothers motorcycle when a 1999 Dodge Dakota decided that stop signs didn't apply to him. I was struck by the truck sending my body and 850 lbs of steel soring though the air. When I came to rest on the pavement beside my bike and behind the truck a man jumped out and said "oh I'm so sorry I didn't see you, are you OK" the things I wanted to say, the things I wanted to do to him, but I with held. I told him to shut up can call the police. I lay ed there for a sec or two trying to find my bearings when a few by standers started to come over and help me and my bike back upright. I could feel the pain swelling in my back, arm, head, and groan. I could see the small amount of blood smeared on my uniform from my arm. I felt as if someone kicked me in the nuts 1,000 times and than a 1,000 more. I stood up and all I could think is that my brother is going to kick my ass for wrecking his bike... lol... Than the pain really set in, I could walk but it hurt, I could see and hear and talk but everything took so much effort. When the cops came and so did the medics they strapped me in and took me to the ER, when I got there they gave me some of the most amazing meds I have ever had. They made the pain go away for at least the time.
Anyways I could go into every detail but Ill save that for the lawyer. So I went to the doctors about 5 or 6 times complaining about different pains that I was having because of the accident and they gave me pills sent me to physical therapy and all that but I guess I did it wrong, I used Army Doctors not civilian ones (in the army I don't pay of my medical cost so why would I go anywhere else). The doctors gave me meds to help me sleep to help with pain to make my penis work again, they told me that I would never be able to do some of the things that I had planed because of the accident. So I got a lawyer and told them my story.
They talked about how sad they where and how they felt I had a real case. So I got my hopes up, told my mom dont worry about things I will buy you a new ones... ya that doesnt seem to be happening, all I ask for is reasonable compenation for my injuries thats not too much to ask for. Well the innsurance company called and they will only offer $3,000.00. After the lawyer fees that leaves me with about 1700, thats bull! I cant fly anymore because of this guy, I cant go outside with out sunglasses on anymore because of him, I cant have sex like I use to because of him, I cant do my job with out being in pain because of him! ALL BECAUSE OF HIM! and the lawyer said its because my medical bills are so low, all I am asking for is reasonable compansation, I bet the guy that hit me, his truck is fixed and his life is the same as it was before, me not at all!
So like I said I dont know if I hate lawyers or if I hate the innsurance company!
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